What does it mean to be wholehearted? (Shoftim 5785)

תָּמִ֣ים תִּֽהְיֶ֔ה עִ֖ם ה' אֱלֹקֶיךָ׃ (דברים י"ח, י"ג)

You shall be wholehearted - Tamim - with the L-rd your G-d. (Deuteronomy 18:13)

The strength of a marriage is not in the heat of its passion, or the size of the gifts, or the heroic nature of one’s sacrifices for the other.

It is in Temimut, the quality of being Tamim – which means innocent, simple, straightforward, or wholehearted.

Temimut is an essential characteristic of a loving, successful relationship. In a loving marriage, we become vulnerable and open with one another.  That is not weakness – it is strength.  By opening oneself that way, one is likely to experience a wide range of intense emotions – including pain, or shame, or anger – as well as the most profound and binding love one can find, the unification of two souls into one greater whole. As ecstatic as that sensation might be, such genuine unification of souls is not achieved, however, without the difficult experiences that come with vulnerability.

When you undergo the experiences and trials of marriage together, it is hopeful over time that you discover how to connect ever more deeply and effectively with one another. You may come to know your partner’s heart as well as your own. And so wholeheartedness means being whole with both your own heart and your partner’s. You can be straightforward while being whole with one another’s heart – which means you can appreciate your loved one’s pain even as you criticize them!

Now the Passuk does not say, be wholehearted with your spouse – it says, be wholehearted with Hashem.  That means the honestly to acknowledge yourself as you are. Temimut implies that you are as innocent as a child in your relationship with Hashem.  In their innocence, a child learns to enjoy their discoveries of their world and their self – uncovering and learning new strengths.  A child also learns the pain of the reprimand - the experience of shame that comes with recognizing and being upbraided for faults.  In a loving relationship with Hashem, it is normal and it is safe to experience failure and correction.  Hashem loves us with full awareness of our imperfect nature!  With love, we can learn to transform our failures into learnings and strength.

And so too, in marriage, when we lean into one another with that trust – to strive for honesty as in our most fundamental relationship with Hashem – then that trust and care allows a love to ripen into its fullest manifestation.